The Lie Behind Your Relentless Yes—And What God Really Wants

Have you ever said “yes” when your body screamed “no”?

Not because you wanted to—but because you felt like you had to?

I used to think I was just being a good student, a diligent mentee, a faithful servant. But somewhere along the way, the desire to serve turned into the inability to say no.

I used to think my yes meant I was faithful—obedient, diligent, devoted. But over time, I realized it wasn’t God I was obeying.

Our culture celebrates women who "do it all"—as if nonstop self-sacrifice is a badge of honor. But for Black women—especially Black Christian women—that expectation is heavy with history.

We are often raised to prioritize harmony over conflict, to yield to authority (especially male authority), and to show gratitude even in unfair conditions. We’re taught to be humble, not disruptive. To serve, not speak up.

This isn’t just about personality—it’s about preservation. For some, it was learned as a tactic for physical safety. For others, it’s about gaining access to opportunities and acceptance from others. Either way, this is conditioning rooted in a scarcity mindset— teaching us to shrink, defer, and survive instead of thrive. It shapes how we show up, how we serve, and how we determine what’s 'allowed' for us. It teaches us that rocking the boat comes with consequences, even when we’re the ones drowning.

But here’s the thing: it’s hard to thrive in a scarcity mindset as a people-pleaser. And you were made to thrive.

People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill and a coping strategy—a survival response wrapped in a mask of goodness.

For many of us, especially those raised under patriarchy and religious expectations, saying yes is a conditioned reflex. We were taught that worthiness and obedience to God were tied to how agreeable, flexible, and accommodating we could be.

This gets especially complicated when access and acceptance can feel conditional—tied to how helpful, agreeable, or easy we are to work with. We believe that if we’re agreeable, we’ll be allowed into certain spaces. If we make life easier for others, we’ll be accepted, protected, or promoted.

So we confuse “niceness” with righteousness. Service with sacrifice. Silence with humility. We wear selflessness like armor, not realizing it’s making us bleed underneath.

But what if the pressure to say yes, to overextend, to over-serve… isn’t coming from God?

What if it’s just paternalism (and reverence for other humans)— wearing a spiritual disguise?

I have had academic success in my life. When people asked me how, I would often cite, along with diligent studiousness, the fact I was a “teacher’s pet.” I sought the approval of my teachers very intentionally, knowing that my academic fate was in their hands. That tendency to seek approval helped me thrive in structured academic systems— but it also planted the seed of people-pleasing.

Over time, that approval-seeking became a struggle to say no to academic and career opportunities, even when I was burnt out. I carried that same mindset into my career.

One day, a superior presented me with an opportunity. This was during a season of exhaustion as a working mother.  When I hesitated, they advised me (with good intentions) to “always say yes to opportunities” until I reached a certain level of success. That was what they said out loud. There was also a quiet undercurrent beneath their words—a weighty, unspoken message that as a woman, and especially as a woman of color, it was even more critical to prove myself. That I had to work twice as hard, show up twice as often, and say yes twice as much just to be seen as worthy.

But I froze. Because something didn't feel right. Then, I tried to be vulnerable -- I voiced my concern and overwhelm in the context of balancing my career as a new mother.

They responded with confidence in children's ability to adjust. I moved the phone microphone away from my mouth and sighed so they couldn't hear me.

For so long, I believed that if I said no, I’d fall behind. Miss my moment. Lose my place. So I almost said yes. I started looking through my calendar to see if there was a way I could make it work. One holding my head from stress, and the other on my computer mouse. Then I heard my son playing in the other room.

I hesitated again.

Because my gut said no. My spirit said no. My motherly instinct said no.

I had to battle the voice that whispered, This is your chance. Don’t mess it up. I had to confront the part of me that believed pleasing others was my path to purpose.

So I eventually told them no. And in that 'no', I said 'yes' to my healing.

That moment taught me something I hadn’t fully grasped before: the boundary I drew wasn’t a rejection of opportunity—it was an act of trust. I wasn’t turning my back on purpose; I was turning my heart toward alignment. I was saying yes to a different kind of leadership—one where the Holy Spirit guides the rhythm, not societal pressure.

Scripture never called us to be martyrs for people’s approval.

Yet so many of us have built our identities around exactly that. We’ve confused sacrifice with sainthood, thinking that if we just give more— of our time, our energy, our bodies— we’ll be more faithful. More worthy. More loved.

But that’s not biblical.

The Bible doesn’t call us to be everything for everyone. It calls us to be faithful to the One who created us—with wisdom, discernment, and boundaries that reflect the sacredness of who we are.

And when you start seeing your "no" as an act of worship— you reclaim your role as a Spirit-led woman, not a system-serving one. The Bible encourages us to use boundaries where necessary:

Even Jesus said no. Even He withdrew when necessary (more on that later).
So why do we feel guilty for drawing the line?

Because we’ve been taught that boundaries are selfish— especially as women of faith. But the truth? Boundaries are biblical.

If you aren’t intentional in changing your habits, that people-pleasing mindset will keep pulling you into overcommitment.

And burnout doesn’t just exhaust your body—it clouds your spirit.

If you keep saying yes out of fear, you’ll keep saying no to your mandate for rest and Sabbath.
No to your alignment.
No to your actual God-given purpose.

That will deplete you (if it hasn't already). But that isn't what God has called you to.

That insight alone isn’t enough—we need new habits, new courage, and Spirit-led strategies to walk in truth. So if you’re ready to break free from the patterns that have kept you stuck, here are three invitations to begin shifting.

1. Be real with yourself
   Listen closely to the moments when you feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, or resentful. These emotional cues are often your spirit’s alarm bells— pointing you toward places where your boundaries are too porous or absent altogether. God gifted you with the ability to feel these emotions. Pray for discernment.

2. Practice sacred no’s.
   Once you notice the places where boundaries are needed, practice saying no—gently, firmly, without apology. Your "no" does not require justification. It’s not inherently unkind. When guilt arises, pause and ask: Is this the Spirit guiding me? Or is it the weight of societal conditioning trying to keep me small? Remember, short-term discomfort from saying 'no' is better than long-term resentment from poor boundaries.

3. Reflect on Jesus’s boundaries.
   Mark 1:35 reminds us: “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” This wasn’t just a moment of quiet—it was an intentional withdrawal from overwhelming need and constant demand. The night before, Jesus had healed the sick, cast out demons, and ministered to a crowd that brought their suffering to His doorstep. He was in high demand. Yet, rather than riding the wave of public expectation, He chose prayer. Solitude. Alignment.

   And when His disciples found Him the next morning and said, “Everyone is looking for you,” Jesus didn’t return to the crowd. He said, “Let us go somewhere else...” (Mark 1:38). Even Jesus declined what people wanted from Him in order to fulfill what God called Him to do... to stay rooted in his purpose.

   If He could say no to the crowd, surely we can say no to the chaos. Let His example give you permission to step back and honor your divine rhythm—not from guilt, but from grounded obedience.

This is the deep, spirit-led work we do in my coaching program.

Together, we peel back the layers of belief that keep you tethered to overcommitment and self-sacrifice. We name the lies that equate worth with productivity, and we gently dismantle the systems that taught you to suppress your needs in the name of service.

I guide my clients through the discomfort that often arises when they start asserting their boundaries, so they aren't avoiding the hard emotions. I teach them not just how to say no, but how to say yes to what truly aligns with their calling. Through personalized mindset coaching, spiritual discernment, and intentional action, we build a new rhythm: one that honors both your sacred limits and your divine potential.

You don’t have to earn your worth by saying yes.

You already have it.

Let me help you walk in that truth—with clarity, courage, and God’s guidance. You were never meant to do this alone—and you don’t have to.

If this resonated with you—if you are a high-achieving woman of faith who’s tired of performing, pleasing, and pushing through burnout—let’s talk.

📩 Reply to this email with the word FREEDOM, to book your free discovery call.

We’ll uncover what’s been driving your people-pleasing—and help you realign your life with what actually pleases God.

Rest is not a reward you earn—it’s a rhythm you’re invited into by your Creator. Saying no is not rebellion; it’s reverence. Every time you pause—every time you choose alignment over approval—you are practicing a deeper obedience, breaking free from the lie behind your relentless yes. And the faith it takes to walk in that? That’s what makes you a leader. Not your grind. Not your hustle. But your courage to believe that God’s way—ease, clarity, boundaries, and purpose—is enough.

With love and power,
Dr. Devin
liberatedpathscoaching.com 

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